The Business of Unfriending

Foreword - actually written after this blog entry but posted here on top: I can see this is the first in what will undoubtedly become a series of reflections on the topic - this is written after a week's worth of debate and discourse over one event in particular...read on and let me know what you think!

I've been unfriended a small handful of times on Facebook. And while I'm not a "right fighter" (thank you Dr. Phil, for another super term), I will opine vigorously in any discussion or debate in which I might find myself. Whether it's on my FB page, or another's, I tend to express myself in the most forthright ways I can. This includes the old-fashioned idea of "saying it like it is". Sugar coat? Not me. Respectful? To the core. Civil? Never anything but.

In the spate of recent political issues that have arisen over the tragedy in Tucson, I have expressed my outrage over the witch hunt involving the political right, the rolled eyes following the President's speech (mocked by the political right) and pretty much everything in between. I have been finding a new political voice in myself, and I consider myself to be extremely well read, totally willing to inform myself on those issues with which I am not familiar, able to stick with a point of view that I feel comfortable with, instead of swaying with the wind, and utterly, confidently literate in my abilities to express those points of view.

So, now embracing the Libertarian philosophy, I've found myself ticking off the right, the left, and their minions, by the handful. It's been an eye-opener. When people refute one's comments, they do so with their opinions stated louder (most of the time, just restated, or others join in with the same words or ideas - at least, in these instances I've experienced). I tend to take those opinions and back up my own (any good research student knows how to do that!), in coherent, literate fashion. I will say it again: always with civility and respect. Never using CAPITALS TO SHOUT or a thousand exclamation points!!!!! to emphasize my statement, I have learned to properly communicate in this arena.

After several go'rounds with people on a page, the response (whether it is right- or left-wing related) denigrates to "you don't know what you're talking about" or "you're dead wrong" or the one I really loved, "Lissa's Canadian...a hike should be taken" (that was the first time I'd been thrown out of a conversation because Canadians weren't qualified enough to comment on a USA issue). My response to that one is always, "this is not a political issue - this is a human issue, it affects us all, and if we don't come together without pointing fingers, the human race is in trouble.

I've been told to "shut up" (even in jest, when the person saying it is someone I don't know - or care to know, this is the epitome of disrespect) and was even chastised by someone who told me "Enough! Move away from your computer!" As if my keyboard were the culprit and my fingers were acting of their own accord.

In those times, I know when I'm not wanted, and happily leave those who wish to debate with like-minded "opponents" to their homogeneous yes-parties ("don't you think this is true?" "YES!" "Do you agree with me?" "YES!" - boring, if you ask me - especially when there are obviously other perspectives to be mined).

But the few times I have encountered wonderful exchanges were when, on a friend's page, one of her friends and I held different views but acknowledged each other's perspective respectfully, and found common ground in other areas. Or the blog where I commented, was disagreed with but the poster mentioned he liked the Montreal Canadiens - instant winner!

It doesn't take much to smile at someone even if we don't agree with them. But I've found vitriol on top of vitriol in the past week, and at first it really bothered me. Then I was advised, "you can get along to go along, or you can stick with the courage of your own convictions." That gave me strength, and renewed self-confidence and the jabs ceased to bother me. See, had I been a less confident person, less self-aware and weaker in my self-dignity, I would have crumbled. But I have learned so much about myself in the last few years, it has served me well in heated moments like the ones I've experienced this week.

So when someone who had befriended me out of the blue because of a common interest in African wildlife (and I did what I rarely do - accepted an unknown person's friend request) stated, a couple of nights ago, that sadly her country has degenerated to the point where it was "no better than any other country out there", I cautioned her by saying a little humility would go a long way. Canada is a damn fine country and I understand the USA is used to being a super power, but that to lump "every other country" in a lower echelon, on a public page, was a little insensitive of her to do. She came back vehemently, telling me that she thinks I should get a grip - that if we were face to face, she'd be afraid I'd physically attack her. Laughable? Yes. Disturbing? Yes. Why? Because never had I been anything but civil, never had I invoked any violent metaphors (being oh-so-cautious of PC'ness these days *rolls eyes*) and was suddenly being accused of the capability of physical violence? I retorted by telling her those exact things, and that she seemed to be the one who should "get a grip". Next thing I knew? She's unfriended me.

That's okay - it's everyone's right to do what they feel will keep their world positive and happy. But some people do so in order to remain insular as well, and those are the people who cannot see another point of view without feeling their own threatened. I feel sorry for those people, but I cannot take responsibility for their actions. It's Miguel Ruiz's 2nd Agreement: don't take things personally. "Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." (thank you don Miguel! And I highly recommend his books)

Unfriending happens. I don't take it personally. I know what I have to offer others, I will not change my perspective to keep a "friend" who has the capability of leaving a "friendship" the second something doesn't go their way in a conversation. I can honestly say I've never unfriended anyone on the basis of differing opinions. The one time I did unfriend someone was when I felt threatened.

In my research, I have learned that everywhere we turn, in the online venue especially, there is capacity to harm with words. Those who don't know my background cannot know that I am probably, with every word I write, analyzing my posts for any possible harmful tone. Those who do know it should know better than to heap any sort of blame or ill will on me. I've been accused of many things by those who don't know me - and that's okay (sort of - accusations had better be backed up but there will always be those who do so reactively). But when those who are aware of my research, of my work, and of my sense of urgency that we eradicate bullying and cyberbullying, accuse me of that very practice, it is a reflection of their insecurity, their unwillingness to see another point of view, and their blindness to accepting that someone else might have a good point they could learn from and that could help them grow personally.

Unfriending - to me - is just the sign that those people want to live in their own world without being challenged by those who might see through their veiled attempts to be "right", without being surrounded by all facets of the diamond (the world is flat?) and don't want to leave a cocoon of harmony falsely created by a single-perspective world.

Or maybe they just don't like me. *shrugs*

I welcome people of all facets to my Facebook, blog, twitter and messenger, because I welcome all people into my life. I welcome your comments. And I've heard many people say they welcome debate - but go on to limit it, usually to their point of view (which makes it a boring debate, if that at all)....but I truly do welcome debate. We're not schoolchildren here and I don't have to give you guidelines on how to treat one another but being so sensitive to cyberbullying, it astounds me to see the number of "debates" that are vicious fights (not even arguments!).

**NB: I have quoted directly from some of the exchanges I have had. If you should be reading this blog and recognize any of the passages, please know they were used for illustration purposes only and I am not pointing fingers (and have not named names); this has been an enlightening week and I feel I've grown just from handling many of the encounters I have had. So if you do recognize something - you have my sincere thanks for the ability to learn from those exchanges! (and for the blog material)**

Boudreau vs. Pop 'n Fresh

I have always contended, since the playoffs this past Spring anyway, that Bruce Boudreau reminds me of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Need proof? I put this up for Tyg's readers but my own can enjoy the fun too!

Sam thinks it's mean - but I'm not being mean-spirited. I'm just doing what the late, great Spy Magazine used to do: Separated at Birth? (I mean, they were mean - they compared Martha Grahm to a rhesus monkey, for heaven's sake - THAT'S mean!)

Decide for yourselves...discuss.

Habs vs. Leafs - November 20th, 2010 - An Experience

(Click to see the photo larger, in all its shutout glory)

Inspired by my new friend Tygerlylly, and this blog entry in particular, I have to write about that night.

We got the opportunity for the cheap seats for this game, and when I told the kids we had tickets, I'd just gotten them...it was a day off school for them. I woke them specifically to tell them and Josh, my regularly-zombie-like-in-the-morning 17-year-old, actually woke in an instant with a big grin. Sam, then 13, was incredulous. "We're going to see Toronto?" Yes. "We're going to be at a Leafs and Habs game?" No, a Habs and Leafs game, but yes. He was ecstatic.

But I had no clue what to expect - I'd been to my first Habs game in YEARS just that September, a pre-season game we won against Ottawa, but I had never been to this match-up. (For those not in the know, there is a deep - usually friendly - rivalry between Montreal and Toronto, on many levels; but in hockey, it's personal, it's religious, and it's fiercely fun) I was told to watch out, it will be a very emotional arena, and wow, was it ever!

Just the Metro ride was anticipation. But when we arrived at the Bell Centre, we were met by pockets of blue and white jerseys. I'd expected some Leafs fans, but this many? Then I remembered that the Als were about to decimate the Argos the next day for the Eastern Conference Grey Cup finals (for my non-Canadian friends - that's our Super Bowl and yes, we put the Toronto Argos away and went on to win the Cup for the 2nd year in a row), and it all made sense. The first guy I encountered, in his group, said, "go Leafs!" I didn't look at him - he was massive and I'm not - but I said, "Well, no, actually, I hope you're not too disappointed when we beat your team tonight. But hey, welcome to my city!" I got out of there pretty fast.

Got our seats, kids wanted food but the warm-up started, so we rushed back to the seats. The roars greeting the Habs were expected; the boos greeting the Leafs were as well. But the volume was WAYYYY up and the grin on my face started to become permanent. There were pockets of Leafs fans throughout the stands, chanting their pathetic encouragements for their team - to which I started my robust "Go Habs Go!" Of course that's all a Habs fan needs, and soon, it was Dueling Team Chants.

When the teams came out on the ice for the beginning of the game, after the flag-bearers did their thing, the arena went dark and the announcer began talking about the late Pat Burns. I knew there would be a tribute, and the hush that fell over the normally bustling Bell Centre was instant. They talked about Pat, and then a short video (well worth your time) was played. The fact that he'd coached both teams playing this night was incredibly poignant. There had been rivalry in the stands but we all cheered together as one team for this coach. When the ice became a portrait of Pat and the logos for all 4 of his teams, we were asked for a moment of silence (you can see this in the video) - I had never thought the Bell Centre, at a hockey game - a Habs vs Leafs no less - would be this silent. I was overcome with emotion as everyone paid tribute to this honorable man.

Then the game. And WOW. Scoreless first period had me standing in line, antsy to get food and back to my seat, and suddenly I felt a Presence behind me. A tower, no less, of a man - and all I could see was blue and white because being (as Tyg likes to put it) "fun-sized", I came up to this guy's navel, that's how big he was. No way was I going to start up with THIS Leafs fan! But he was greeted heartily by comrades from his faction as well as ribbed good-naturedly by Habs fans and employees of the Bell Centre who passed us on their way to other places.

I saw the count-down clock getting closer to the 2nd period, and left my line. Food could wait. Hockey could not.

When Jeff Halpern scored that first goal, the place erupted. My throat was already raw from cheering for the Habs and how they dominated the ice (our penalty kills looked like power plays as we kept the puck well in front of Gustavsson for many of those minutes). But this exceeded ALL expectation (and decibel level)!! The animators in our section went up and down the steps high-fiving everyone, till they came to the lone Toronto fans in our section who didn't want to high-five anyone (awwwww...but why?). The Centre was in a frenzy as the announcer boomed out Halpern's name, and it was Game On.

I got my food for the 3rd period (note to self - and anyone visiting Bell Centre: get your pizza in the first period or intermission; by the time you get in in the third, it's rewarmed and not very cheesy at all) which proved to be even more exciting as Toronto TRIED to rally. A very lovely, well-placed pass by Mike Komisarek gave Cammy our insurance goal. But wait! Komi doesn't play for Montreal anymore! Oops!! Even better!!

That goal was the one that had me losing a few notches of hearing but not caring one bit. It was 3rd period, we were on our way to a shut-out, and it was the Leafs!!

When the voice boomed "one minute left in the period" I thought the rafters would come down. They tried playing hard but...it was the Leafs. And we played for all we were worth to get Carey Price his shut-out prize. When the countdown to the end of the period threatened to explode the roof off the place, I was ecstatic - my boys were beside themselves, and this was the night I'd hoped to create for them - but I got it back in spades.

Walking down the steps, everyone singing the olé song at the top of their lungs, I didn't seem to meet those pockets of Leafs fans I'd seen spouting at the beginning of the game. Hmmmm...could they have left EARLY?

The first order of business, after getting settled, was to text a rabid Leafs fan the photo of the scoreboard. He wasn't amused, but it's all in good fun (which is also one reason I HAD to be at a winning game - he'd have trounced me had we lost).

I knew this game would be filled with emotions of all sorts (added to by the Pat Burns tribute) but I had never experienced a night at a hockey game that would have me saying, "I wish I could see this game all over again." Me? Reliving a game? I'm not a new hockey fan, I'm just new to understanding the sport, and my fanaticism has burst to levels heretofore unknown to me! But it wasn't just the game, it was the entire spirit at the Bell Centre that made me feel so much a part of a group that is as cohesive as a huge family. Strangers high-fiving one another, talking about the game like it was a family reunion, and it made me see the heart of what sports can do: bring people together in entertainment and a little bit of escape in a long week or month, or a tough time. Nothing bonds like a common experience and when that experience is bound by a deep commitment, there are no limits to the wonders it can bring, truly. And yes, I know it's a hockey game - but it made me think about what this sport does - for people, for my City, for my kids, and now, for me.

After the game, my boys proclaimed their "perfect record" - they had been to a Habs-Tampa Bay game in February with my dad (their first); I got them tickets to the 3rd game of the Eastern Conference Final against the Flyers in May; we saw the pre-season game against Ottawa in September and now, this was their 4th Habs game. Each game my kids have attended, the Habs have won. I think I'll buy those boys season tickets!

Ticking off the masses

In the past couple of weeks, I noticed - as I'm sure so many of you have - the cartoon character profile pics popping up on Facebook, along with a status: "Change your profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood. The goal? To not see a human face on Facebook until Monday, December 6th. Join the fight against child abuse, copy and paste to your status and invite your friends to do the same."

I have always thought of these status updates as digital chain letters. We all got anonymous chain letters when we were younger. "Copy and mail this letter to 10 of your friends, and you will have good luck." (usually these contained some miracle story of Edward or John who had done so, and won the lottery the next day or whose dream soulmate had walked into their lives. They also related the horrendous consequences of Al or Herman who did not send the letter, and died in fiery crashes or whose entire fortunes were wiped out).

Today, if you continue the chain, you are a group player, a cooperator, a good Facebooker. But if you break the digital status chain, if you don't follow the crowd ,you are either seen as unwilling to play, a grinch, or not part of the group. Why? What if you DO play? Well, I've read peoples' self-assessments, one in particular, "I'll be a sheep with everyone else," and frankly, does that not accurately describe what we are when we follow the crowd, especially when there is an unknown faction leading us? Heaven forbid you - like I - speak up against the particular trend du jour! Ire is rained down upon you!

The story behind this particular meme (meme: "The term Internet meme is a phrase used to describe a catchphrase or concept that spreads quickly from person to person via the Internet, much like an esoteric inside joke." - Wikipedia) is that it was never begun for a Cause, per se. It was merely a bit of fun that someone wanted to spread, and was never intended to raise awareness of anything. Somehow, it got hijacked for a cause, albeit one of relative irrelevance, and everyone was off to the races.

Enter The Wet Blanket: me. I couldn't understand how changing one's profile pic to a cartoon could possibly relate to stopping child abuse. I did some researching of this meme and found this article, only one of many in which is clarified that the originator intended for this to be utterly meaningless fun (and there is nothing wrong with that at all, by the way). So I posted on my friends' pages, after they got on the bandwagon, stating my opinion. One of my friends - the comedienne Marsha Warfield - actually changed her profile pic to a stop sign bearing the words, "Stop Child Abuse And Neglect" and her status update merely read: "F*** cartoons." Aha, here was someone who thought the way I did!

So, my raising people's awareness of this meaningless meme began to raise their ire as well. They became defensive, accused me of being self-righteous (or so I interpreted), and exclaimed, "But it doesn't hurt anyone, so why not?" No, it doesn't hurt anyone, but child abuse does. And changing a profile pic, stating "let's be aware of this topic" and sitting back to feel good about one's helping society to get better ...that doesn't help kids who are living in pain, fear, and increasingly eroding self-esteem.

My points are fairly simple: awareness isn't enough. Awareness and understanding are a good beginning. Action is what's needed. If someone is so incensed over child abuse, there are many ways in which they can help: volunteer at shelters which house these families. Donate money to shelters to keep them in operation. Stand up to the woman in the shopping center who has slapped her 2-year-old for crying, or who is pulling just a little too hard on her 4-year-old's arm to get him to keep up with her. We all need to take responsiblity for that which so many believe just isn't their business. But raising awareness isn't enough.

I was challenged in the dialogues that followed my "self righteousness". How can I, someone who is not only raising awareness of cyberbullying but basing my entire graduate thesis on that very thing, say it doesn't help to raise awareness of child abuse to change a profile picture? Again, I feel it's simple: what I'm doing is a thesis which is leading to my new career of educating those who are responsible for kids who might be engaged in cyberbullying situations. I am not simply raising awareness. I am doing something about it. I am going on radio and telling whomever will listen that it is about time we educated the educators to be vigilant and recognize this new heinous threat to our children. I am creating a program for teachers, and one for kids, in which they can interact with the materials and become proactive. I am hoping to continue my research into the topic so that we can have an idea of the impact awareness has on those vulnerable to attacks. That's what I'm doing in my field. Raising awareness is today's feel-good catchphrase. Too many people believe it ends there. Sadly, awareness fades if the topic is not a part of our everyday life. Awareness memes fade even faster. And the meaning of the action fades sometimes before it's even minutes old. I counted at least 6 friends who, after posting their status updates and changing their profile pictures, received responses exclaiming how, "I LOVED that cartoon when I was younger!" or "He's my favorite cartoon character!" Nothing about the Cause, nothing about the seriousness of child abuse, and nothing about how this person is now changed because of the picture.

I'm not criticizing anyone who wishes to have fun. Heaven knows, we could all use more of it in our daily lives, even if it were a fleeting picture on a Facebook page. That's why I post hockey news and comic strips alongside the bullying links I have on Facebook: we can't live serious all the time. But when something calls for serious action, I find it strange to invoke that which brings out delight and laughter. There is nothing fun or funny about child abuse, breast cancer, bullying, animal neglect...so why do we insist on making Facebook trends so diametrically opposite to the causes they are purported to promote?

In closing - I'm not a wet blanket. But if I bring to the table some serious discussion, please don't feel I am attacking your sense of fun; I am only asking you to justify why you're asking me, as a FB friend, to change my picture, and my status, and in the name of a cause or an illness. We have to remember we are thinking, able human beings, who CAN bring about change in the real world. We should not become computer hounds who are led to believe that by talking about or illustrating it on Facebook, we will cure the evils of society. Let's bring action back to our communities; use Facebook to organize a day of offline action. THEN I'll change my Facebook pic for it!!

Thematic Photography B&W

Thanks, Carmi, for this new thematic photography - Black and White photography is something I love to dabble in, and I did something with a photo a few years ago which I'm posting here. We'd gone to the Botanical Gardens, and I took a picture of Sam and some Lollypop Plants. I took the photo, washed it of color, and then tried a new technique I'd learned just that week, painting color in where I thought it would be most effective. It turned out, the plants were that color, and Sam was wearing the same color, so this picture worked beautifully.

Seeing how young he is here gave me a pang, too...they grow up SO fast...this was 6 years ago, and he was just 7 years old.

Thanks for letting me share!

Thematic Photograph: "Orange"

Well, this week's Thematic Photography is orange and though I didn't have anything to enter into the mix earlier, today I do.

We love clementines - when the little orange-tangerines come out in the autumn, we go through crates at a time. I've always had a quirky ability to peel them in one piece, and recently showed Sam how I do that. Now, I find myself sought out to peel his every one, and of course, he has 3 or 4 at a time!

The minute I peeled this one, I knew I had to do something with it. I looked at Sam, and said, "Ooooooh....let's pull a Carmi!" He said, "I was JUST thinking that!!" We went into the kitchen, the black surface of the stove worked as a perfect background, and the results are here. His idea was to pose the peel and the peeled together.

Enjoy!

Theo's back - revisited

The first time I blogged about Theo's back trouble was when it began, in February. He was fine till May, when I noticed he was just not himself. It was a Friday night. I got an appointment Saturday morning, started him on meds, as the doctor believed it was the same problem. He was okay for a couple of days, but that Monday, was in a lot of pain; I rushed him in for the emergency appointment hours and this time, they gave him tramodol for pain as well as extending the steroids for inflammation. He recovered but I sat in dread of August. It had been 3 months between flare-ups and somehow, I thought August would bring another.

Lo and behold. Tuesday afternoon I noticed he was off...can't really describe it any other way. I walked him, which is never an indication as he is his old self most of the time when this flares up. Called the vet and got an appointment an hour later. When the doctor palpated Theo's spine, the dog tensed up just for a moment and the doctor nodded. He said "Yup, same as last time, same location but you caught it early - when did you first notice symptoms?" I said, "an hour ago, but he wasn't showing symptoms - just wasn't himself, I had a feeling." The doctor was actually quite impressed with the depth of the connection Theo and I share. I told him that my dog has a special something and he told me he could tell from the first time we'd been in. That made me smile.

He doesn't believe this is anything serious beyond what it is - an occasional flare-up, inflammation due to discal fluid leaking from one of the vertebrae. He said that because I can see it early, and because Theo responds well to meds, this is highly controllable and no need for even considering surgery. That was reassuring but in the meantime, my baby dog needs painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and is not his usual jumpy self. He is an amazing dog, though, his demeanor is so docile that he didn't even give the vet an argument when he was in pain. I'll take my cues from him, but we're babying Theo till this runs its course. Carrying him up and down stairs, not allowing him to jump onto or off the sofa, and watching him closely for any changes. Keep him in your thoughts!